When someone you love is struggling with addiction or making unhealthy choices, it can be hard to know how to help. Are you setting a boundary or practicing tough love? Understanding the difference can help you protect your well-being and support others with less guilt.
What is tough love?
Tough love is a firm approach to supporting another person’s growth or change. It involves doing something hard in the short term to promote their well-being in the long term.
"Tough love is an approach to consequences and withholding support to motivate and change someone else's behavior,” said Brenner Freeman, MD, a psychiatrist with Banner Health. “It might be uncomfortable for both of you.”
The goal of tough love is to encourage change. It can be useful, especially if enabling unhealthy behaviors has made your relationship dysfunctional or unsustainable.
You may choose to use tough love when a person you care about is making unhealthy choices.
For example, you may:
- Refuse to lend money to a family member who misuses it.
- Insist a child follow through on consequences, like enforcing a rule that your child must finish their chores before seeing friends.
- Say no to a friend who keeps asking for favors but never returns the support.
Parents may use tough love to allow consequences to take place in reaction to their child’s behavior instead of rescuing them. “For example, if your teen skips school repeatedly and gets detention or suspension, you might let them face that consequence instead of calling the school to get them out of it,” Dr. Freeman said.
It might also mean expecting a child to get back to a healthy activity they previously failed at or found scary. “When my young daughter fell off her bike and was crying, I consoled her but firmly expected her to try again, and eventually she was riding successfully,” Dr. Freeman said.
Tough love should come from care, not control or punishment. It should never involve shaming, yelling or cutting someone off without warning. "Tough love should never involve cruelty, emotional withdrawal or abandoning genuine care and support," Dr. Freeman said.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself in relationships. They help you protect your time, energy and mental health.
"Boundaries are about defining what you will and won't accept for your well-being and preservation," Dr. Freeman said.
Here’s what boundaries might sound like:
- “I’m not available to talk after 9 p.m.”
- “I’m happy to help, but I need 24 hours’ notice.”
- “I’m not going to be in situations where alcohol is being used.”
Dr. Freeman said, "Healthy boundaries involve the 3 Cs — they are clear, consistent and communicated with kindness. They're not walls, they are gates that define what you will engage with.”
Boundaries can cause friction in the short term, which is healthy and normal in relationships. In the long run, when you're clear about your limits, others know where they stand which reduces conflict. Plus when you take care of yourself, you’re less likely to eventually burn out, explode or be resentful.
Boundaries are useful for parents. Children need to understand limits while feeling unconditionally loved. "Children and teens feel more secure when parents set consistent boundaries. Kids will frequently push against their parents. This is normal. But deep down and usually subconsciously, they need constancy from their parents. The opposite is scary and unpredictable,” Dr. Freeman said.
Need support setting healthy limits? Learn how to set boundaries that protect your peace.
How are tough love and boundaries different?
These two concepts are often confused. A key difference is that boundaries are limits you set for yourself, not ways you control someone else. Boundaries are ongoing and often subtle.
"Saying, 'I won't engage in conversations when you're yelling' isn't about stopping someone from yelling. It's about protecting yourself from verbal aggression,” Dr. Freeman said.
Boundaries protect your peace. Tough love encourages someone else’s change.
Tough love
- Focuses on the other person’s behavior
- Based on rules or actions
- May involve letting someone face consequences
- May be used in crisis situations
- Can feel firm, uncomfortable or even confrontational
- Is usually temporary or based on a specific event
Boundaries
- Focus on your own well-being, actions and limits
- Often based on communication or space
- Involve keeping yourself emotionally or physically safe
- Help with everyday stress and balance
- Can feel assertive but calm
- Are usually ongoing and part of healthy self-care
It’s common to use both. For example, you might set a boundary by saying, “I won’t lend money anymore,” and follow up with tough love by sticking to it even if the other person is upset.
Are you confusing boundaries and tough love?
"You might be confusing tough love with boundaries if you find yourself thinking, 'This will teach them a lesson' or 'They need to learn,” Dr. Freeman said. "The true intention of a boundary isn't to punish or teach a lesson, even though a secondary effect may be that a boundary may change behavior in another person.”
When to use tough love vs. when to set a boundary
Use boundaries when you’re feeling overwhelmed, overcommitted or disrespected. When your own time, energy or values are at stake, boundaries are key.
Use tough love when someone’s actions are harming themselves or others and enabling the behavior isn’t helping.
"Tough love should be used thoughtfully and only when continuing to provide support would genuinely enable bad behavior or limit healthy childhood development,” Dr. Freeman said, "Boundaries are necessary in virtually all relationships, while tough love should be reserved for situations where other approaches don’t make sense."
Sometimes you need both. Boundaries can come first. If the other person doesn’t respect your limit, you might need tough love.
Tips for making either approach healthier
Whether you’re setting a boundary or using tough love, keep these tips in mind:
- Communicate clearly and compassionately.
- Don’t act out of anger or control. Don’t yell or blame.
- Follow through on what you said you’d do.
- Know your goal — is it to protect your well-being or help someone grow?
- Don’t expect immediate results. Change takes time.
You may need to pause and reflect if:
- You feel angry or resentful when setting limits. It’s okay to feel hurt or upset but try to act from a place of clarity and intention, not just emotion.
- You are using “boundaries” to manipulate behavior or you expect specific changes from the other person.
- You’re enforcing a “boundary” but it's really a threat or punishment.
- You’re using “tough love” as a reason to control, not support.
- You feel guilty for putting your needs first or for not helping enough.
- You haven’t clearly communicated your boundary before acting on it.
Need help navigating a hard relationship?
Tough love and healthy boundaries are both tools that can protect your peace and support your relationships. The key is knowing which one to use and when.
Boundaries are about you. Tough love is about helping others but it should still protect your own well-being. Both can come from a place of love and strength.
At Banner Health, our behavioral health specialists can help you understand your needs, set healthy boundaries and work through tough love situations with care and confidence. Call us for more information and resources at 602-254-4357.
